Rantings of a Mad-man
“What was once a sharp mind has been filed down to a dull point by thoughts of…[insert current emotional ailment here].”
Lately I feel like I’m drowning. Not in some deep, bottomless abyss, but in a pool filled not much higher than my mouth and nose. It would be no problem at all to reach at the sides of the pool and pull myself up; but the solution is never that easy. I’m not allowed to touch the sides, I’m not even to reach for them for fear of igniting a more precarious situation. Bouncing just above the water’s surface and struggling for a gulp of air is all I can do to keep death at bay, but with each breath, I take in water. My lungs fill slowly with that vile liquid I stew in. All I want to do is get out, get back on the surface again, but each time I reach to attempt to pull myself up — to correct myself — my fingers are crushed. I’m not allowed. I just want to be able to breath again. To not be stuck in this pool of anguish and panic, that is all I long for right at this very moment that I’m drowning…but I’m not allowed.
The days seem a bit darker, the sun a bit dimmer, the air a tad staler. Food loses its taste and the drink does not satisfy. Wandering around, lost in whatever day of the week it happens to be; I’ve lost track. Conversations sound muffled and I can’t seem to focus on anything for more than 15 seconds at a time. Time with friends seems to lack the vigor is once held; jokes are told and I laugh my fake laugh, not entirely sure what it is that I’m supposed to be laughing at. I spend most of my days tumbling aimlessly through my mind, wandering the particular spot in time that I seem to be stuck in. Nothing feels quite right, as if the entire universe just decided to shift 2 inches to the left. It’s all fucked up and I can’t get it straight again.
Time is a cruel thing. At least it feels like it sometimes. Of course, it doesn’t have any feelings, preferences, or biases, but it sure does feel like it sometimes. How else can I explain the times when time feels to slow to a crawl? Those painful moments that seem to be eternal; moments I become trapped in. How can I explain how those moments of joyous bliss are excruciatingly fleeting? Before you realize that the moment has moved you, that it has a power over you and has lifted you…it’s gone. It’s hard to think time isn’t playing against me sometimes.
The City of Edgrr 